The Objects of Lady Edith Crawley’s Affection

• Patrick Crawley, her first cousin, fated to wed her sister Mary. Drowned on the Titanic. (Or did he?)
• Matthew Crawley, her third cousin, utterly unmoved by the erotic power of local church architecture.
• Sir Anthony Strallan, kindly fiftysomething refugee from a Monty Python sketch about absent-minded vicars.
• That one farmer guy who was OK with her wearing pants and eating sandwiches with her hands, and who taught her to drive a tractor just like the little people do.
• P. Gordon, hideously disfigured burn victim prone to violent mood swings, and also potential lying con artist. Also, Canadian.
• The conductor of the Rippon-to-Swindings omnibus, whom Edith thought was smiling at her one time, but who was in fact gazing past her to admire a particularly lovely cloud.
• Prime Minister David Lloyd George, who declined to respond to any of a string of increasingly ardent and perfume-scented letters.
• An engraving of John Phillip Sousa reproduced in the newspaper, torn out and creased to unrecognizability by long nights beneath Edith’s pillow.
• The dog, dressed in a dinner jacket and taught to sit at a miniature table and listen to Edith talk about her day in exchange for bits of chicken.
• A particularly handsome elm on the grounds of Downton Abbey.
• An effigy made of sticks and straw, attired in a disused footman’s livery, and kept locked in an abandoned attic storage room for midnight sessions of practice kissing. Referred to privately, with dreamy reverence, as “Lord Edward Widdershins.” The wedding is scheduled for June, but will be called off when the dog, in a fit of jealous rage, makes off with Lord Edward’s left leg.

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by associatevidiot